You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
