I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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