We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
