I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
