I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I need to calm my uterus...
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
