I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
