I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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