That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
