For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
