Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
