Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
