finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize