fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My dad is sitting where you rode me
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
