So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I cockslap morals
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
