last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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