mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
we should paint friendship bongs
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