She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm just crazy horny about you
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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