I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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