I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Randomize
