it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
