my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't deserve a penis
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
