I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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