Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
