I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
