Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
