Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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