Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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