I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I wish there were birth control emojis
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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