The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
