my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
