So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
