OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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