You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
