biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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