I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
