Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
