There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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