Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Randomize
