my being single is dangerous.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
