Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize