just come out here and I will go home with you...
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize