The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
