Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
