i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
she peed on how many people?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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