I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
