My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
