I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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