Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
