i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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