Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Randomize
