Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
