why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
