I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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