How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
