my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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