You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
