My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
