My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize
